to the One who broke my heart

People say that they knew what love is the moment they fell in love;

But when I met you, I forgot what love is,

Words escaped me, my eyes forgot what they should see,

My skin forgot how it should feel.

I never really know if I really did love you;

Maybe I loved so deeply before that I cannot empty that space yet,

Maybe I was just scared to give you more of myself,

‘Cause I feel I’ve given enough and that you’ve always had me.

We are friends, too close to be more than that

And what I said complicated things

Our friendship was at stake, but I took the risk

And it hurt the way I never thought it would.

A month ago I had these fresh scars,

And every time I see you, they burn that i cannot breathe;

My feet forgot that they could stand on their own,

My ears forgot to listen to the heart which forgot to beat.

But you linger into the depths of what should be forgotten;

And I miss you, I risk again,

Risk the times I tried so hard to forget what I know will always be remembered,

I go near you again.

I don’t talk to you nor you to me;

I glimpse at you from the corners of the year that has passed,

I could feel you all over me again, haunting my mind, whispering in my ears,

Laughing with me again, looking at my face who forgot what laughter meant.

Memories keep standing still between me and moving on;

I look at your face this time, how I memorized every detail on it,

I forgot how it felt like being with you, how can I begin?

There I was, loving you all over again.

How can I ever forget you? I know I will, someday I will...

Maybe when I find love or when love finds me again

When my skin learns to feel without touching

When my eyes meet someone else’s and see a soul.

Sometimes it is better to be the one to leave than being the one left behind.

But now, there are times when I wish I could stay a little longer; be with you a little more

Sometimes, I’d wish we could leave together, run away from this foolish world we’ve known

Yet, I am to leave and should leave behind what we had, what I said, what you’ve never shown.

Memories are just too painful to remember and you are too hard to forget

My senses must live again, words unto letters, songs unto notes

I’m fickle-minded but I guess I really loved you

And now, you are to stay and I am to move on, to mend the heart you once broke.

September 28, 2011 (12:23 am)

i will be free.

the in-between

I am not a stranger to you, but i am not your friend either.

 I am not your friend, anymore...

Between the cure and the disease, i was there.

Between the desire and the necessity, i was there.

Between a flicker and a blaze, i was there.

Between the lush and the scanty, i was there.

Between the repulsion and the enthralment, i was there.

I was there.

 the plague, the yearning, the flame, the mundane, the fondness.

Between a squabble and a covenant, i am there.

Between a drifter and a dweller, i am there.

Between a curse and a miracle, i am there.

Between the nemesis and the ally, i am there.

Between the melancholy and exuberance, i am there.

I am there.

A testimony, a voyager, a vision, a guest, the thoughtlessness.

Between the wise and the absurd, i will be there.

Between the poignant and the detached, i will be there.

Between the scheme and the consequence, i will be there.

Between a trinket and rubbish, i will be there.

Between a drizzle and a downpour, i will be there.

I will be there.

The typical, the aloof, the deed , the prerequisite, a raindrop.

We were the start but you were the end

And I am the in-between.

September 8, 2011

flying away

Illusion

I can always elude you, but who am I fooling?

Even if I literally nudge you out of my way

You still prove to be callous

You always find a way to throw a pungent satire
You were never a conformist

And I was the ludicrous one

You’re being vile at times make me cringe

But you mesmerize me

When we suddenly become cordial

And the sheerness of the moments we’ve shared

Make me blush, sometimes whimper

Yet the drizzle always seizes these moments

And I’m dissuaded by the truth,

The irony of it all.

September 9, 2011 (12:23 am)

yes.

cacoethes cognitum

Many say that they are wandering but they are not lost,

I may be that; or I could say I am being led astray, in my own willingness,

Or that I know my way but I refuse to go…

Maybe I just really don’t want to get there yet,

‘Cause I know I will not like it…

Maybe I am actually lost, but not really.

Whoever said that life is a series of changes

Should slap me in the face until I turn red,

Spoken words are as powerful as written ones,

The only difference is the sentiment, the fervor, the zeal, the passion, the why…

And once they are borne into this world by one person to another

Only time can either relish them or heal whatever was ruined, broken.

You said you are not numb but you were blunt when you said it,

You were, I guess, lost for words at what you’ve heard,

I could only wish for you to care…

Was it just like hearing any other creed or was it consuming, liberating or immaterial?

You should know, it is often easier to be the one to listen than being the one who talks

Because listening is recognizing vulnerability but talking is being vulnerable.

My words will persist to exist in corners of memories and what has been,

I will not speak to you again of what was already spoken so I hope that you listened

And that you listened well…

For I did not speak of words from my mouth but of squalls of flimsiness

Of my innermost clandestine yearnings and sly deeds…

And please do not come running to me after all these,

I do not give second chances to those who do not deserve it.

August 25, 2011 Rm 231 Kamia Residence Hall (12:24am)

yes, you did.

ode to the night

As the clock strikes six, i start to think of you
When the sun goes down, i wait for you to come
Slowly, the shadows are lost, the light is gone
and you creep into the skies of my mind.

Colors start to fade away as i've longed for it
While i start to look up, flowers then bow down their heads
Less people on the streets, no more words, no more light
Just you and me in silence, in the darkness we lie.

As i stare at you in the vastness of the unknown
I try to reach for your stars, I try to be bold
You smile at me and i smile back at you
If it were for me, would you dream of what i dream would come true?

I embrace for all that you aren't and all that you are
You will never be alone, I will keep the fire burning in your stars
Tell me those words again and i will believe you through and through
Let your light shine on me and I'll shine the light back to you.

Yes, you are my most wonderful yet most elusive memory
When you fade away, i fade with you
Heed my call, don't go away, not yet.
Can you just stay for a little while?

But your hand slowly slipped from mine
You were always there for me but morning must come
Please know that i am sorry, but if it weren't for you
I would've never been more close to him than i am now.

June 21, 2011 (CMC lib)

damn.

Again

How have you been?

Fine, why do you ask?

Nothing, I’m your friend, am I not?

Of course you are, why do you think that?

Where have you been?

Places, do you know any of them?

Yes, I do but why go away?

‘Cause when you left, do you think I’d care to stay?

Do you still remember?

Why would I forget?

Do you still care?

Ask yourself, why would I still be upset?

If I stay, will you?

Why would I?

I still love you, do you still feel the same?

I don’t know, but aren’t you tired of playing this game?

I’m sorry, will you forgive me?

I already did, why still ask?

Then why won’t you give us a shot?

Don’t you remember, between the two of us,

you were the first one to give up…

*July 19, 2011

some things are not worth repeating

Padangat taka asin Dai mo ini Aram

Padangat taka asin dai mo ini aram

Masakit puonan kun pan-o nagpuon

Ining kabuahan na mayong padumanan.

Padangat taka asin dai mo ini aram

Makulog sa boot pero tinitios

Nin huli ta dai pwede, dai nanggad.

Minaduman ako sa lugar na pirmi

Mong dinudumanan, sa paghuna

Na yaon ka, sakuyang maaabutan.

Asin pagnahiling na an saimong lalawgon

An sakuyang puso garo nang pinagharapag

Minakaskas an pulso asin pirmi an ngirit.

Padangat taka asin dai mo ini aram

Na kan ika nagkahilang, garu na akong 

Dai mapan-o, kudi mayo man maginibo.

Padangat taka asin dai mo ini aram,

Kan ika nag-istorya manunggod saiya,

Pigpugol ko sana an pagturo kan sakong mga luha.

Dai ako nagtaram, tigdangog taka sana

Tighalat matapos an dai matapos-tapos 

Na istorya; saka ako naghibi, na mayong nakahiling.

An luha maski paturuon mo pamatanga

Dai minahali an kulog, padagos an pagsakit

Maski mayo nang minaturo.

Padangat taka siguro maski pan-o saimong narisa,

Na gusto taka pirming kaiba asin kaisturyahan,

Kun yaon ka, akong pirming maogma.

Padangat taka siguro maski pan-o saimong narisa

Kan kinaputan mo an sakuyang kamot

Mayo akong ibang nahiling, kundi saminong mata.

Asin kan kita nagkaibahan kan mga banggi

Na naglaom akong dai na matapos, mayo akong

Pagsulsol, mayo akong ibang ginusto kundi an mapasaimo.

Padangat taka asin dai mo ini aram

Ika na sakuyang pinamibi sa Kagurangnan

Ika na dai nakakaaram.

Ako na sana an marayo ngani nakanuod malingaw

Malingawan ining sakong pagpadangat

Malingawan ka...

Asin ining pagkamoot na sakuyang sinusurat,

Ilulubong ko na sa kahararuman kan daga

Padangat taka, ngonyan aram mo na.

ENGLISH TRANSLATION:

I love you and you do not know this

It hurts but I have to endure

Because we can’t be, should never be.

I go to the places where you

Always go, hoping you’ll be there

And I’ll meet you.

And when I finally see your face

My hearts feels like it is being chased

My heart beats fast and I can’t help but smile.

I love you and you do not know this

That when you got sick, I was so worried

But I couldn’t do anything.

I love you and you do not know this

When you told me about her

I tried to stop my tears from falling.

I didn’t speak, I just listened

I waited for you to finish your never-ending

Story; then I cried when no one can see.

Even if you cry yourself to sleep

The pain wouldn’t just go away, the hurt continues

Even if no tears would fall anymore.

I love you and you might know this

That I always want to be with you, talk to you

Whenever you’re there, I am always happy.

I love you and you might know this

When you held my hand

I didn’t see anything but your eyes.

And during those nights we were together

Which I hoped would never end , I never had any

Regrets, I didn’t wish for anything else but to be yours.

I love you and you do not know this

You, whom I’ve prayed for

You, who do not know.

I’ll just be the one to go away so I would learn to forget

Forget about this love

Forget about you.

And this love I am writing about

Will be buried beneath the earth

I love you…now you know this.

 *July 14, 20011

but i won't

Cause everytime I see you, i fall a little harder,
And it doesn't make sense at all...
I try to convince myself that you're not worth it,
And i end up trying to convince myself more and more.


*July 5, 2011

yeah

shot

I can feel my shirt starting to smell of

Cigarette smoke and the late night breeze

Four souls being consumed by their desires

And we sat beside each other; and the bottles

Landed on our table, but not like it used to.

Something’s different, something’s missing

But I start to pour that bitter liquid

Down my throat; it felt like a rush

On a windy day, like a rain that came

But was never expected, like the way

You suddenly grabbed and held my hand.

One bottle, two bottles, three bottles

We continued to gobble down those drinks

And everything else we’d rather forget,

Everything else waiting for freedom.

I steal a glimpse of you; I wanted to

Tell you right there and then: For all of the drinks

And the nights that we’ve had together,

Can we give us a shot?

 *July 2, 2011 

you remind me of October nights

Unless

Blue walls, white boards, blue and black chairs

It’s been raining for three hours now so we stay

Inside the comfort of these rooms, but our feet

Remain wet, shoes soaked in puddles of

Water; Where did we go?

Only you and I know about our adventures

We are the story you’ll never find in

Movies; books can never explain how we felt.

And the nights that betrayed me are as

Hazy as the skies now; the rain has stopped

And so must I.                       

*June 30, 2011 (Philstar Rm.2)

is this the end of the line?

                                                                   

while i'm still young

I can’t write a song and dedicate it to you

I can’t paint your face and hang it on the wall

Nor can I name a star after you

Forgive me, but this is all I can do.

I may not like the music you like

I may not watch the movies you watch

I may hate you some times

But I’ll always be here for you.

I’ll laugh with you until you cry

I’ll cry with you until you smile

I’ll listen to you when things mess up

I’ll drink with you until we get drunk

I’ll take care of you no matter what

I may not be what you want me to

I may not say the right words at the right time

I may not be believe in what you believe in

But I’ll stay beside you and your dreams

And when I’ve lived my own dreams

Maybe then, I’ll be able to write you a song,

Or paint your many faces

Maybe then, I’ll be able to teach you about the stars

But I’d rather sit with you

I’ll listen to whatever music you want

I’ll watch whatever movie you choose

And just hold your hand.

And when we’re old and grumpy

I may not be able to write you a poem

But I’ll read this one to you

And tell you how much you’ve made me happy.

January 9, 2011

thank you.

what i love about you

What I love about you is that you know what you want.

You’re not perfect but you are beautiful.

What I love about you is that you’re never afraid to try

You’re not perfect but you are amazing.

What I love about you is that you are true to yourself

You’re not perfect but you are a real man.

What I love about you is that you always know how to make me smile

You’re not perfect but you are my sunshine.

What I love most about you is the way you look me in the eye

You’re not perfect but you are my kind of perfect guy.

share your light

the silence of words

You come to me and talk about her

I listen, intently and carefully

You tell me how she broke your heart

I listen, and I hear my heart breaking.

You come to me and talk about her

How much you tried

And how things messed up

And how you messed up.

You come to me and ask about him

You listen to my untold story

And I tell you how he broke my heart

And you kept quiet.

You come to me and ask about him

I tell you almost everything

And how things messed up

And how I messed up.

I come to you hoping to tell you

I’m starting to forget

Because you’ve made me too happy

Because you’ve made me forget.

But that, I can never do.

Unless you learn to forget about her too.

against all odds

friends

I can’t tell you how much you are making me happy

Cause things will be complicated

Cause I can’t risk this happiness

Because this is all I have right now

I want to tell you everything

I want to look you in the eye

Hoping you’ll also look into my eyes

And words will be superfluous

 But maybe you won’t understand

Maybe you would walk away from me

I don’t know

So I stay this way, we stay this way…

Friends.

January 10, 2011

here we go again...

unwritten

And so I wait for you to notice

Like the flickering lights

                I feel the sound of your footsteps

                As you step into my dreams, I start to put up a fight.

And each moment lingers

                With your words sublime

                I hear the silence in your eyes

                I can hurt you but you will never be mine.

And so you leave me with those broken pieces

                Like a song that was never sung

                Like a poem left undone

                Like a boy who never had the courage of a man.

And we might stay this way forever

                And I’ll miss you like the dry earth misses the rain

                And I’ll remember, and you’ll forget

                And things will never be the same again.

Nov. 27, 2009

how could you?

paglimot

Naririnig ko pa din ang tawa mo.

Daig pa ang lakas ng bulyawan ng mga sasakyan.

Nilalamon ng mga alaala ang bawat katotohanan.

Mga katotohanang nagkukubli sa masasayang alaala.

Masaya ako..

Masaya tayo.

Sandali, meron bang tayo?

Parang ako lang yata.

Nakakabingi ang pag-uusap natin sa mga mata.

Parang bangungot ang nakaraan.

Sa tuwing naaalala ko, nakakabaliw.

Nakakabaliw tanggapin ang katotohan.

Maging masaya dapat ako.

Maging masaya ka dapat sakin.

Pero, bakit ganito ang kinahantungan ng lahat?

Masamang umasa, lalong masama ang maghangad ng kapalit.

Sumisigaw ako pero wala akong marinig.

Nakakasawa din pala maging mabait.

Gusto ko nang lumayo, wag kang lumapit.

Maaari ba?

Naaamoy pa kita sa damit ko

Pero lahat kumukupas

Pati ang amoy mo sa damit ko, mawawala din.

Unti- unting maglalaho, mawawala kasabay ng paglimot.

wala na....sana.

my Zahir

My Zahir

You are my Zahir

My elusive madness.

You are my kryptonite

And yet you make me strong,

You are a dream

A never-ending dream

A nightmare,

I constantly want to have.

You are my opium

My forbidden drug.

You are…

 the poison

I always want to take.

And your love is the antidote

The antidote I never had.

you are my apple of death