the (cross)roads less taken

Beginnings are as fragile as a heartbeat, as impulsive as youth

Sometimes it feels like swimming in an express train;

Like whirling inside a vacuum or walking in someone else’s shoes;

Like entropy, like a poem, it is fleeting but thrives in the rustiest margins of our souls.

You deserve what you think you don’t, my darling

But you live in fear more than you actually seem

Like a creature of the night pleading for salvation

You are as complicated as this road you're taking.

But I try to understand you because I am as fickle as my thoughts

And somehow, we were once slaves of this convoluted world,

Of conformity and our adamant faith in love

Tell me, is it still ok to say the words we never had the chance to say?

All I needed was a night of courage to show you the dustiest sides of me

All you needed was a year of pretense to show what you wanted me to see

And we are both made of life, of flaws, of a certain particle of the universe

That were never meant to conspire; and we succumbed to the coldest silence. 

I am someone better now

And you are whoever you claim to be

All we did was just grow apart

And proved that we are human and changed our hearts.


I will see you off on the sidewalk as you continue this chapter

Let me walk the other way and find myself the same thing

May we walk, and live and love and never stop

This is it, my darling…I guess this is growing up.



waiting for the stoplights to turn green

Otherwise

 I winced at chance trying to figure us out

This dour mood is just a makeshift for these anxieties

And this healthy disdain for the truth keeps me grounded

While you sweep me off my feet with your wily deeds.

While I turn head over heels with your whimsy

While you strip me of my staidness

While I catch my breath with your condescending arguments

And every other cliché out there.

We see each other in the hallway, by the door, in the elevator,

In periphery, outside the confines of our comfort zones

I don’t know what to call this exactly nor how to say or what to feel

We can actually make this into whatever we want

Without guilt or remorse; without fear or shame

But we are a mistake waiting to happen, waiting to be made

We are like two indecipherable words warily dancing around

This burning pragmatism with a sacred vow in between.

 Happy endings are as overrated as conformity  

And we are not an exception.

I won’t let this vile truth keep me from you, maybe at the least,

 Our friendship or whatever we have right now

Let me bask in your shameless flattery and saccharine deeds

And be ridiculously happy with our irrationalities

Maybe someday I’ll be drained of reasons to still want to be here

And we’ll both wake up from each other’s dreams

And blame the random nature of the universe.

just for a little while

je ne sais quoi (i know not what)

My heart flutters in this continuum of madness

How ludicrous it is for reality to be trapped

Within the realms of my prudent faith in idealism

You didn’t seem to feel like a dream

But now you do.

Your name is as elusive as you are

And my shrewd mind is as oblivious as your subtleties

I am six hundred and five days ahead of you,

Shrinking in the safeguard of a forgotten familiarity

Where were you?

In this pool of uncertainties,

I imperil my bubble with these bleak desires

Like planting a seed on a desolate ground

But who has seen forever, who assures that

Providence will be worthwhile?

After all, youth is like a fleeting memory

That reminds us to defy what shouldn’t be defied

I shall leave you wandering in the crevices of what could be

Or maybe let this folly stray to decadence

Until then, my heart will persist to flutter in this continuum of madness.

-September 20, 2012

my heart struts like a ballerina in an empty hall

The Repose

I cried for three hundred and seventy-nine days

Because I thought I wanted you to be mine

I crushed my own heart and bled for all the wrong reasons

Because I thought I needed you to call me yours

And for the longest time I’ve longed for you.

I was disposed to being incredulous;

Embraced solitude like a religion

I was a skeptic by practice and

A pessimist by profession.

But I guess I’ve punished myself for too long

For reasons that are more than you

And less than myself.

Yet life should remain as beautiful as has always been said

And as time stealthily brought back my innocence

And the naivety to have faith, to love and be loved

 Serenity finally found me like a sinner waiting

For redemption;

And I was genuinely happy.

I do not love you, not anymore

Not because I didn’t get what I want

Not because I despise you for the things you did

Or the things you failed to do…

I guess love just went the other way

I don’t need your love either

So take back what you’ve given me

Whatever that is…

I now swim in the slumber of freedom.

My heart is finally at peace.

Hoping is pretty much like loving; you should know when to stop.

Tagu-taguan

Hinanap kita sa tapat ng gusali na madalas nating pagtambayan
Kung saan tayo madalas na magkita, mag-usap.
Nababakbak na ang pintura sa mga dingding nito at
Sira na din ang isang bintanang animo’y rehas sa malayo
Mula doon, madalas kitang natatanaw dati
Na bitbit-bitbit ang mga pulang salita habang pinapapak
Ang mga ideolohiyang hanggang ngayon ay di ko lubusang mayakap.
Hinanap kita.

Hinanap kita sa loob ng restaurant kung saan madalas tayong kumain
Kapag naghihingalo na ang ating mga bulsa
At isang gabi, noong magkasama tayo doon…at isinulat ko sa
Isang piraso ng tisyu ang mga salitang dalawang buwang lumutang
At minsang nagtago sa mga watak-watak na sulok ng aking isipan.
Hindi tayo natulog noon; parehong nanatiling uhaw sa mga paliwanag
Sa likod ng katahimikan ng isang tasa ng kape na
Dapat sana ay paghahatian natin ngunit naubos ko.
Hinanap kita.

Hinanap kita sa pagitan ng pag-untog ng mga bote at pagsayaw ng usok
Sa kumpas ng tugtog ng ating mga problema at sikreto sa buhay
Magkukwento ka, makikinig ako; magkukwento ako, makikinig ka.
Subalit marami pa din tayong di alam tungkol sa isa’t isa.
Katulad ng mga kasinungaling sinabi ko noon
At katulad ng mga isinagot mo sa kasinungalingang iyon.
Saksi ang mga usok at patunay ang mga bote
Hinanap kita.

Hinanap kita sa may sakayan ng jeep,
Malapit sa ale na nagbebenta ng yosi at kendi;
Hinanap kita sa ilalim ng ingay ng tawanan ng mga batang
Lagi tayong hinihingan ng piso;
Hinanap kita sa may tindahan ng paborito nating siomai,
Sa ilalim ng footbridge kung saan madalas tayong sumilong
Hinanap kita hanggang sa mapudpod ang aking tsinelas
At manghina ang aking mga paa.
Sa wakas natagpuan din kita.
Naghihintay ka lang pala sa may tabi ng daan.
Nahanap kita sa likod ng ating pagkakaibigan.

what we look for deepends on what we need...

muli

Habang binabasa ko ang mga naitago kong kopya ng mga pag-uusap natin

Muling naglaro sa aking isipan ang mga gabing hinangad kong hindi na matapos

Katulad ng mga kwentuhan natin dati na napanis na ng mga bagong alaala

Mga kwentuhang iginuhit natin sa likod ng ating pag-iisa

Magkasamang nag-iisa.

Naalala mo pa  ba nung sinabi mo sa aking nanghihinayang ka

Sa pagkakataong sayo na lumapit pero nakuha pa ng iba

Wala akong nasabi dahil sa pagkakataong iyon, nahulog na ko

Sa balon ng pag-aakala at panaginip

At sabay nating nilunod ang ating mga sarili sa mga baka sakali at sana.

Subalit mas malalim ang pagkakalubog ko at tinangka ko pang sagipin ka

Unti-unti kang nakaahon, nakabangon habang ako’y naiwang nagtatanong,

Ano nga ba ang silbi ng mga panaginip kung gigisingin ka din naman ng realidad?

Para saan ang mga pangarap kung mananatili din lamang itong mga pangarap?

At sabay nating hinanap ang mga kasagutan sa mga bote ng alak

At mga pakete ng sigarilyo hanggang sa ibalik ng umaga ang ating mga katinuan.

Sa bawat hagod ng mga alak na iyon sa aking lalamunan ay ang pagsalo ko

Sa bawat patak ng pag-asa...

Pag-asa na para sa’yo ay nawala at nasayang,

Pag-asa na para sa akin, sa’yo ko natagpuan.

At kasabay ng paghithit mo sa yosing kasing ikli na ng panahong natitira,

Unti-unti ding nalululong ang tiwalang minsan mong nahanap sa akin.

Hindi naman talaga bulag ang pag-ibig, at lalong hindi din bulag ang mga umiibig

Ang katotohanan ay nagkukubli sa likod ng mga kamalian

Mga kamaliang nakikita ngunit hindi nagiging mahalaga

Mga kakulangan pinupunan ng mga pusong umiibig at umaasa.

Alam mong hindi kita hinanap, dumating ka lamang

Dumating at nanatili sa tabi ko noong ako ay naghihintay

Hindi na ko babalik, at malapit ka na ring umalis...

Ang tanging naiwan ay ang pader na binuo ng katahimikan sa pagitan nating dalawa

Sa mga muling paghaharap na nauuwi sa pag-iwas.

Sana ay itigil na natin ito.

At sana ay maging mailap ang mga pagkakataon para tayo ay muling magkita,

Sana matagal pa...

Sana sa pagkakataong hindi inaasahan at maaalala lamang natin

Ang mga araw at gabing nilamon tayo ng ating pagkabata.

At maalala na lang natin na minsan tayong naging masaya.

Balang araw...Ikaw.Ako. Mas masaya, sa susunod nating pagkikita.